


i wish that i could take you to the stars

by lindholms



Category: Hockey RPF, Real Person Fiction, Sports RPF
Genre: Boys In Love, Canes, Carolina Hurricanes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, i'm just writing my emotions again, idk man it's like 6am, this is stupid and soft don't read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 07:05:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13141557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindholms/pseuds/lindholms
Summary: teuvo folded effortlessly into seb's arms, head falling to his shoulder out of habit. fingers tracing idle patterns along his spine, slight swaying, too many reasons to fall asleep right here. he'd missed this porch, these steps, their hiding place. part of him wanted to stay hidden in seb's embrace forever, never come back out to face the real world. things were easier here.or, sebastian can always see right through teuvo





	i wish that i could take you to the stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my dear lolo](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+dear+lolo).



> this is set on the night of the 21st after the preds away game, i got sappy over them finally being home and just over aho and teravainen in general (as per usual). sorry for this mess. i'm a ~~trash can~~ marshmallow.

the distance between nashville and raleigh wasn't much, but it was enough to make teuvo feel suffocated by the time they finally reached the city he'd learn to pretend was home. the cold air of 1 am burned his skin and his throat but it was better than traveling, which made him feel locked inside his own body. he paced beside the cab for the sake of feeling free until a hand on his waist made him stumble to a stop.

he turned to meet brown eyes. "alright?" sebastian's quiet murmur stilled him a bit and he nodded, thankful for the dark that masked the insincerity of his smile. he knew it didn't fool seb anyway.

the younger boy dragged the last of their luggage out of the cab and tipped the driver while teuvo shifted uneasily from one foot to the other on the sidewalk. he sighed through his nose, shoved his hands in the pockets of his (sebastian's) jacket. he should be happier to be home. except it wasn't home.

he wanted to go _home_. real home. finland. where family was, where everyone that mattered knew the extent of their feelings and they didn't have to hide a word or touch or glance. maybe that's what was bothering him so much lately, or part of it anyway. he felt like his and seb's every move was being analyzed, whether by the fans or the coach or their own teammates.

they were getting wiser to the two of them, the other guys. a few knew for certain, but he could see the unanswered questions in the others' eyes. it'd only be a matter of time before they pieced it together. but that didn't scare him so much as coach finding out. he knew it was irrational, but fears of being traded or taken from seb in some other way simply for that reason crept into his mind too often.

teuvo was pulled from his thoughts by a tap on his nose. "are you with me?"

he blinked up at sebastian, standing there before him with thinly veiled concern written in his features. teuvo cleared his throat and grabbed the rest of the bags from the curb, "yeah, sorry, just tired." he was a terrible liar, and worse when he tried to lie to the one person who paid enough attention to notice.

before seb could ask any questions, he dug a key out of his jeans with a free hand and made for the front door of the quiet house waiting behind them. something like worry twisted deep inside him at the thought of walking into that house, and he grew that much more frustrated with himself for it. this wasn't anyplace to feel uncomfortable, it was _his_ house. _their_ house. the place they'd gotten barely a year ago in a last attempt to feel as much at home as possible in a place they still didn't feel they belonged. he had to just be homesick, or truly exhausted from being on the road so long.

he pushed the unlocked door open with a shoulder and swung the bags inside, letting them hit the floor and leaving them there for tomorrow. seb followed suit, shut the door, grabbed teuvo's hand to tug him back a few steps before he could escape into the kitchen. "not so fast," his voice was still a whisper, though they were alone now.

teuvo turned but his eyes stayed trained on his hand in sebastian's, studied the way their fingers intertwined. the fingers of seb's free hand gave his chin a gentle nudge, til he finally looked up. he hated the worry in his lover's eyes and even more the fact that he'd put it there.

seb didn't have to voice the question, just as teuvo didn't have to tell him he didn't feel like answering. seb's fingers traced along his jaw to rest at the back of his neck, and teuvo let his gaze slip away again, across the walls, the furniture. there wasn't much in here, but it was theirs. they liked simple. minimalistic. that's what they claimed, anyway, when someone came over and commented on how little the rooms held.

but the truth was it made them feel smaller to live like that. to live like they were normal. sometimes the thing that helped most with forgetting the stress of the game, was forgetting the game altogether. if there weren't any reminders of what they did for a living, or what they earned doing it, it was easier to remove themselves from it and pretend everything was quiet and simple and different.

most of what they had to their names here was brought from finland or dug up at thrift stores, something they'd never experienced at home. being in this house felt like stepping into a different world. it wasn't the right world, but it was better than the one that made him feel like a letdown.

seb sighed softly. his lips found teuvo's temple for just a second before he murmured to _come on_. teuvo let seb lead him where he already knew they were going. the same place they always ended up at some point during their first night back. though it was usually the middle of the night, filled with exhausted conversations and theories as to why they couldn't sleep (jet lag, change of scenery, bothersome remark by one of the guys - which was never the case but always managed to make the other of the two smile).

the cold air embraced him again as they stepped out to the back porch. teuvo wasn't sure when he lost seb's hand but he missed it. he dropped to the second step out of habit, sebastian settling in behind him. his fingers found seb's again, his back resting tentatively against the younger boy's chest.

they sat in silence for a few moments that seemed to stretch on like hours. teuvo let his breath fall in sync with sebastian's while he sorted through his thoughts. seb never pushed him to talk, but he could practically feel the words settling around them, waiting to be spoken. he wouldn't pry but he wouldn't let teuvo go to bed without at least half an explanation.

"you were so quiet on the way," was all he offered. teuvo let his head fall back to seb's shoulder, focused on the tiny pinpricks of light the sky held above them. he swallowed hard. "yeah. m'sorry," his voice was too quiet to be called a whisper, and he wasn't sure if seb even heard him.

he didn't want sebastian to think he was the problem (he knew he must be wondering it, considering teuvo usually emptied every thought and feeling from his mind to the boy) so he made himself try a little harder. he breathed in until it burned and let it out too slowly before he began.

"i feel so out of it lately," his voice sounded so small but it rattled something deep inside sebastian. "i don't feel like myself. i don't feel like being here. and i keep missing so much, i can't tell you the last time i made an actual goal." he breathed for a moment. "sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing, seb." there were more words there, it went deeper than just that. but that was all teuvo felt like saying, and seb knew it. it was enough. 

seb swallowed, pressed teuvo further back into him, arms snaking around the older boy's frame. insecurity wasn't uncommon in a life like this, with this much pressure and these many expectations. but he'd never heard teuvo sound so unsure before, never seen such a lack of confidence in him. sure, everyone had their days and teuvo wasn't immune, but he didn't normally sink so low.

it was easy to forget sometimes that at the end of the day it was only a game. it was their career, their dream, but still a game. nothing that should cost them their sanity or peace of mind.

"hey," seb bumped his nose softly against the older boy's temple, eliciting a tiny smile. "i've told you lately you amaze me, right?" the smile grew just a bit.

he pressed a small kiss to the spot and murmured against the skin, "we all mess up, love," another kiss, "we're human. i'm not winning any awards here lately, either, and people don't like to let me forget it, but i know it's only temporary. we'll get back, we always do." his lips found teuvo's forehead, the corner of his mouth, the soft spot between his eye and nose that never failed to get a smile out of the boy. "november 19th, by the way."

he didn't have to look at the boy in his arms to see the puzzled look he'd memorized months ago. a soft _hmm?_

"last time you made a goal. islanders. home game." he didn't know if it'd make it better or worse to know the exact date, but seb figured he'd at least show him how important this boy's every move was to him. he continued before teuvo had a chance to answer. "listen, i know it's important but it's still just a game. we'll win us another one. what matters most to me is you. _us._ "

teuvo sat silent, fingers twisting and untwisting around seb's, eyes still trained on something beyond. his breathing had steadied out, though, and he seemed a bit calmer.

"us," he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, and it grounded them both. seb squeezed his fingers, brought them briefly to his lips. teuvo sighed a short breath of contentment, shared with tension seb supposed only time could release.

seb shifted slightly, fingers coming to rake through unruly blonde hair and rest there a moment. teuvo had told him once the action made him feel safer, and those words had never left sebastian.

he let his gaze train on the sky, smattered with lonely dimming stars, his little finger straying to stroke the bridge of teuvo's nose. after a moment the older boy's eyes finally began to close, his grip on seb's hands weakening, against his will. he breathed a soft long sigh through his nose and it was like music to sebastian, a sign he'd finally relaxed.

he'd let them stay out here on the steps another moment or two, the closest they'd get to a public display of affection for at least a little while longer. he knew that was another factor of his lover's discontentment. it was something that weighed on them both, grew an imperceptible bit heavier each day, that burden of knowing what no one else can. aside from a handful of teammates who were only clued in because they'd managed to walk in at the right (wrong) time.

seb knew it weighed on the blonde more heavily. he was older but his heart held much more, soul felt much more deeply. so much _more_ than seb could ever be. he was such a beautiful rare thing, and seb would be damned if he was going to let the opinions of outsiders break him down. he could shield himself from the inevitable comments, from caring. but through all the negativity that clung to this lifestyle, all they'd experienced together, he'd never been able to pull teuvo in behind his shield with him. every word hit him dead on, and he never could stop listening.

seb closed that door in his mind for the night, decided to pretend it wasn't an issue and that they weren't its center. they were merely two boys, tucked away in their little hidden corner of the world, on a back porch in raleigh. two simple, nameless boys. it didn't matter who or what they were, for right now. all that mattered was that they were living and breathing, and that they were living and breathing with each other. seb tugged teuvo closer, and closer still, until the older boy managed a whisper of a laugh, "suffocating here, aho."

seb released him with a smile against his hair, offered a hand out. teuvo considered it unnecessarily for a moment, a decent sign his quiet sense of humor was still intact, before lacing their fingers once more and standing. seb followed suit and pulled him into his chest, let himself live in his illusion a little longer, before they had to go back inside to a house full of proof that it was only that - an illusion.

teuvo folded effortlessly into seb's arms, head falling to his shoulder out of habit. fingers tracing idle patterns along his spine, slight swaying, too many reasons to fall asleep right here. he'd missed this porch, these steps, their hiding place. part of him wanted to stay hidden in seb's embrace forever, never come back out to face the real world. things were easier here.

 _c'mon_ and a tug around his waist, they were moving, up the steps and into the house. it wasn't as unsettling as it had been before, walking into that empty house. he'd felt as though expectations awaited him, though from whom he wasn't sure. perhaps only himself. but the day, the week, the season were finally all stripped away from him and he could breathe again as seb led him, hand in hand, to their bed.

teuvo's happiness was found on the ice, it was true. a large part of it anyway. his passion, his drive, his dream, all lay out there on a sheet of frozen water. but his peace was found in cheap sheets and sweater sleeves and a boy who felt like home. this was home. he was home.

**Author's Note:**

> merry merry. thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed this wreck of emotions. also yes i did indeed use a one direction song for the title and i bear a minimal amount of shame for it (but the song is actually sweet + reminds me of them so let me be).


End file.
